I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
