it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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