i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
