So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize