I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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