thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
