i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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