It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
