we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
