I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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