I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
