Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
