Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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