I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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