My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
