we have officially lost it.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
