I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
