everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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