Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize