I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
