so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
