There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Bring me that man meat
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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