just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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