It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
