cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
