I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
