My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
