If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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