Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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