Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
