i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
