be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
