Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
