I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
