that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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