Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
