In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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