I want to walk on stilts...naked
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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