Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
