I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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