What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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