If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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