Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
