Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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