you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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