I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
True strength comes from lack of pants
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
