in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
