He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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