i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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