I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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