I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
