I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
