Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
