those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
