What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
