you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
