A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
