Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
