So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
wow bdsm is so cute
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
